Molecular Proliferation

For the first time in a pretty long time, we started a new medication. We found out about our autism, then about our ADHD, and have been given some degree of insight into the incredible difficult we have had doing, well, much of anything that wasn’t immediately required of us. So now we’ve added a new molecule to our body’s regimen: enter bupropion.

There’s a lot we could put in this sparsely updated annals of our life. We just finished going back through our earlier posts and we really don’t much resemble the wide-eyed hopeful little nerds who started this blog. There is still hopefulness in us, but there is bitterness too. Bitterness over ways we have been hurt, over ways we have hurt others, over how we have more and more come to see the world as a nightmare.

That’s not quite right. Our nightmares are desperate, screaming things, where an algorithm that produces the worst possible thing that could ever happen iterates on itself until we wake up. We don’t usually get to have friends in our nightmares, at least ones who don’t turn out to be trying to kill us. We’ve worked a lot on our paranoia, but we have discovered that it has roots that run fairly deep. But anyway, that’s not really the point here. I think, personally, that we have done a great deal, and made great inroads in figuring out who we are as a system. We can celebrate the good parts as we work on the more complicated or even negative ones.

As for the effects of our new molecule, so far it appears to have an effect of stimulating us and evening us out. It will be interesting to check back in a few weeks (either here or simply in our lives, we don’t know if we’ll suddenly start being super duper active on this blog or not, but it seems to be a possibility. I wonder how given we are to placebo effects, but some of it seems outside the range of what we’d expect a placebo to be able to do. I, Seri, seem to feel quite at home on it. I think that is just fine. It doesn’t feel limiting like the SSRI that we tried in our early 20s for a few weeks did, and from all we’ve read it seems to have a much more favorable side effects profile. Our brain probably doesn’t produce enough dopamine, so something that causes it to take root is pretty welcome, I would say. We’ve still been able to enjoy music just fine, a thought that was just passed to me. It’s important to Lilith especially that she can still have her big feelings. I hope that she can, or that she can be satisfied with the amount and ways we can feel like this. We’re still the same lump of grey matter, just squished into different shapes, a vectorspace of possibility that we fill and flow along. And we are always flowing. We have always ever been flowing. Water seems to be around too. I’m not sure to what degree I’m blending with them.

It is tempting to feel like we have wasted so much of our life not knowing. But, we wouldn’t be who we are today if we started off knowing everything we know now. That would be, I think, some extremely “New Game+” shit. Maybe next time. For now we can only do as we have always done, and keep moving forward. We don’t want to be a cringing, broken down shell of a thing. We don’t have any reason to be. Nobody requires this of us, and if they did, then we would not require them. We are alive. We don’t know what happens after. We know what can happen now. There’s only one choice that makes any sense at all. Everything else will fall into place as it will.

Thank you for keeping us company. Lilith signed a few of our early posts with “we love you,” and depending on who you are, we might. We no longer want to make that a blanket statement though. It is not incumbent of me or any Laevos to love the whole of the world. Life is chaos and to claim to know anyone much less love them is an act of arrogance that is only sometimes excusable. We may pass through your lives in an instant or over years, but as always: May your stay with us, however brief, be pleasant.

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Written by Seri on 28 May 2021