im gay

The way they say "im gay" feels like it means
  »any suitable girl-shaped organism will do«

just like the people who want to fuck me
  without even really knowing me.

When they see me, they see a placeholder,
  an idea of girlness, or queerness,
  or whatever,

wrapped in a body they think is hot.
 Wrapped in a body they think is soft.

but im not soft, despite what my body might suggest. inside it’s hard and firm and rigid and sharp. especially toward people that aren’t nice to me. and i don’t count wanting to fuck me as being nice to me.

i don’t want to belong in the spaces you set aside for people like you to fawn over each other. i don’t like any of you, you’re annoying, you’re so annoying. im not a lesbian, im not even a woman, so don’t project your desires of fulfillment onto me. does liking cock make you feel like more of a girl? it makes me feel more like a faggot, which is what i am. i don’t know any places set aside for people just like me, and i don’t really want to. i just want to be around my friends who i like already. i don’t want to be exposed to this gross sticky desperation, this mindless faceless carousel distributed orgy in slow motion.

these are the dangers of isolation too i guess. these amorphous spaces and expendable faces are all we get to have. because everyone else hates us, right? so we have to be there for each other as a community, right? well i hate “us” and i don’t want to “commune” with any of you. stupid game of being friends with the right demographics. stupid escape from loneliness. feeling like it’s the only option makes me resent it more, makes me angrier, makes me feel like i hate you all when normally you’d just be strangers to me.

i know all this venom is just because i hate myself, but somehow that doesn’t make it any easier.

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Written by [REDACTED] on 23 July 2021