A couple of weeks ago we submitted some words to be ground up and composted into trash zines as a part of an exhibit by Porpentine Heartscape. It’s pretty short, written in a morning haze, and it is, after all, trash, but we’ve decided to preserve it here anyway.

Content warning: food, depictions of self-harm

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i was alone in a room. well, i was always alone, but never quite like this. i felt as though i had forgotten the controls, urpiryy.b yd. jrbyprno. to move, to speak, to make my volition known. commands failed silently or piped far from where my mind could see $(echo “that sounds lovely” > /dev/null) just was\ted movement …


i wasd happy, moving, flying, verb verb verb verb. lethargy fell off of my bones in velvet chunks rotting all the way down. i jumped down from the railing, top floor hotel green floor brass animal falling bounce hitting ground in shuttering frames and lifting awaay from ground other side repeat. repeat.;; in a house silent memory false memory false memory true, climb a staircase in a mutilated circle around grey wallghosts.

I’d never told that to anyone before.

Trying location provider geoclue2'... Using provider geoclue2’.
Using method `randr’.

awake? awake? ‘k.
stumble purple into light
too bright, turn redder

hungry. it feels so good to be hungry. like a little victory against the body and its grotesque desires. luscious claws and seductive growls tearing and snarling in protest. lie with a chewing, lie with a sucking, something in the mouth that never gets far enough to fill anything else. smell sweet, savory, delicious failure, get fed the only nutrient i allow myself, most precious estrogen, but don’t taste it, even then to taste is failure. restless sleep and paralyzed awakening, smile at the control. can’t move my body; perfect discipline.

found a little room where a rabbit pumps a pedal. radar on. the moon. faster, slower, but always empty. ;;
found a train stealing everything it sees. pick up whole lagoons, pink melting ice cream melting over void tracks. ;;
found an altar with a golden dome. crosshair on my eyes, sky moving so slowly. short loop of flat fire gives rest, rest, rest.;;

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Written by Lilith on 18 January 2017